March, 1, 2012

Dear One,  

I have been sitting at my computer for some time now wondering what it is that I want to say in this months "Love Letter"?
 What has been very present for me this month is how I and most people I know are still attached to a false belief, and a habit of  behavior that runs (or ruins) their lives. 
Is it possible for me to clearly create a  simple program for change for myself and for those I love?
 

This month I was  able to see that most of us in a "particular moment" will fall back on what the 12 Step Program refers to as "stinking thinking." 
In these moments rather than focusing on the neglected, abandoned, rejected wounded child who lives in the image: " I will never be met"....  how do we learn to  lift into a higher consciousness, a place without blame and judgment?  Can we choose a place of "emotional sobriety'?

This month has been difficult for me. Three friends have left the planet. I have needed to have two additional and unscheduled Lazar procedures before I could schedule my cataract surgery. (Interesting for me that this signifies the "veil" being lifted.)
 I found myself falling into that familiar, ancient loss of self, and into that dark place where  I could not lift out of the pain.
  As I watched, I began to see it was not pain, it was numbness. I prayed and I asked  for help so that I could sit with whatever would come up. If it was rage, I asked not to judge it....if it was sadness I prayed to embrace the sadness. I consciously prayed to sit and allow whatever it was to emerge.

 Although I felt I was dying, there was something new asking to be revealed.

 One day, I arranged that I would be in silence.  I just began to cry, and I cried, and I cried. I felt as if I were crying for all the suffering and the sadness in the world. Ironically I felt the painful pressure in my eyes lessening. It was if the veil of forgetting was lifting,

I dropped deeply into the "suffering" and as I entered I could see my "lost" child who demanded that my "needs" be met...and  if they were not....nothing else mattered. I did not matter. Not getting what i wanted proved that I would never get my needs met.

 (I was truly surprised that I was still believing this tyrannical child  after all I had studied, processed and learned.)

 It was right there in front of my eyes.  I was in my "all or nothing".  I was amazed because I truly believed that I was not  into this addictive belief anymore, and then in a split second I  was doing my "I SHOULD get what I wanted number, or I would DIE".

I hope this make some sense to you. Perhaps you have had a similar experience lately? Allowing for this awareness, and embracing without judgment is the very first step in change.
1.  I must acknowledge where I am, and marinate in whatever is coming up out of the terror of my child's shock. 
2.  I must to allow myself to feel the energy. I can now tolerate and open to the contracted and frozen  numbness.
3.  I want to pray for help so that I can accept what is needing to be seen and felt. I  want to die into the old as part of me is being reborn.
4.  I need to name my withheld judgments, and then embrace and gently hold myself and the feelings.

5. Letting go of my story, am I willing to see my part in this creation?

6. Am I willing to accept that this is indeed my soul's adventure as I fully inhabit this life?

7. Can I see what is present in the moment, unclouded with the eyes of history?

 Can I allow myself, you and the circumstance be what it is?

 This is my spiritual practice...allowing myself, allowing you, allowing the moment to be as it is....and just allow whatever is present, including the little ego, to be present without judgment.

 Since June, I have been writing about this sense of 'being with what is' without blaming myself or another.  This time, I just watched, and witnessed and asked that this become my spiritual practice. 

(I find this so difficult to do, and it is my total commitment to my self and to those I walk with. The real pain is the result of abandoning one's self and denying one's feelings.)

Do I really believe that everything is perfect just the way it is?

Do I really have the patience to allow the "plan to reveal itself?'

Can I be present with this thought, and keep my faith?

Am I willing to look to see what is truly present, and am I willing to see without being attached to my false beliefs?