This month I have
been having an on-going debate with myself. Can we really
change? What is the optimum environment for change? Does
understanding conceptually lead to change? Or is change a matter
of discipline, an act of will, a commitment to a thought that is ever
pervasive in one's soul? Is change dependent upon an individual's
intention to surrender his belief's to something far more nebulous, or
dependable than the mind can possibly understand? What would be
required?
WE HAVE ALL THESE TEACHINGS and
conceptual knowledge AND TEACHERS to emulate AND YET ...AND YET...?????
My experience has been, and those
of you who have been following my "LOVE LETTERS" know that my
human journey has been a journey of forgetting and remembering.
It is that "forgetting" that I am
questioning today. Is it that I am addicted to the pain, and to
the belief that I can only learn through the pain? Life is so
good when I am grounded in my self loving.
And when I forget "what self
loving means," I accept that the darkness is real.
I offer you this opportunity
to explore this question with me: "When do you opt for the loving
of self? When do you choose the self negation? When this month
have you CHOSEN to dive into your fear, your shame, and self denial
rather than breathe, stop and make the commitment to choose to
embrace what is coming up in the moment?
Emmanuel
would say: "Self castigation is not Holy work."
Take the time to write down and
explore an experience of "forgetting." What were the thoughts
that created this forgetting? List your resentments, list who you
blame, and know who you are angry at. Be with this and explore it.
I love this quote by Marianne
Williamson:
"If you are
judging a brother, you're wrong even if you are right."
Why do we choose not to embrace
ourselves?
WHY DO WE CHOOSE NOT TO BE OUR OWN
MERCIFUL MOTHER?
It is a knee-jerk reaction that we
have to bring to consciousness. We have to begin exploring this
behavior as an addiction. All habitual responses are based on a
need to have our WILL/WISH fulfilled. These responses are based on a
requirement, a demand, an expectation, and a frustrated wish of our
immature, unconscious self.
" I must have my way...and if I do
not get what I want I take it very personally and then I do to myself
what I accuse you of doing to me: reject and abandoned myself.
I cherish this quote from Stewart
Emory:
"Instant gratification supports our belief in
our fundamental unworthiness."
We then enter into the
vicious circle, into the forgetting and into the darkness.
Every time I fall into the
forgetting, and start picking up "my drug of choice" of judging,
criticizing, denying, blaming, (myself or other) hopelessness and
impotency...I have abandoned myself and have forgotten that I am the
source of all I experience.
In this moment, I have
forgotten to choose Self Love, but even sadder...I have chosen to
believe that I am not loving or lovable.
I am as loving as my
willingness to be patient, to have faith, and to be present in the
moment with all of my feelings.
As a meditation I offer you this
poem by Rumi:
The Guest House
"This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected
visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who
violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each
guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them
in.
Be grateful for whatever comes, because each
has been sent as a guide from beyond."
This is what it is to be
human. This is the only way we can change ... by accepting every
feeling, embracing it and letting it pierce our heart, so that we can
open, and stand in our undefended loving. We have entered into this
body to bring the light...we are the luminosity.
let us sit in silence ...
breathing in the love that surrounds us,
breathing out the insanity that insists we
are not lovable,
and when you are calm please say
these words:
Dear G-d,
I turn my
will and my defended self over to you so that I may receive your
blessings,
Help me to
release all my fearful thoughts,
and open
my defended heart.
Help me to
let go of my images, and my thoughts and reactions created by fear.
Help me to
let go of my addicted self, so that I may be spontaneous, joyful and
live in my faith.
Help me to
open my heart so that all may be revealed to me,
Help me to
listen, and to allow me and the other to be all we are.
Help me to
change.
Help me to
choose love while I live in this "Guest House of being human."
I send everyone my deepest
gratitude, and my blessings for walking this path so courageously with
me.
Barbara