October 2015 Love Letter

Dearest One,
When I sit in the silence... not watching the news, and not giving sessions and I breathe with consciousness... I am calm. I love this space.
I breathe in my faith, allowing it to fill every cell in my body and I release in the next breath the thoughts that busy my mind and no longer serve me.
I choose this.  I am at peace.

And in the next moment, I am lost in the trembling of the world, and in the metaphors that are the outward manifestation of FEAR... the emigration from Syria, the fires in Northern California, the floods in Utah, the corruption and political bankruptcy in this world, and the plagues of cancer and illness.

Where is my faith?  I settle down into my breath.
This is the question for me... "Where is my faith?"
It appears to me that I get lost in my mind, get lost in my belief that I am indeed not the creator of my experience, and that I am separate from G-d.

I remember.  This is part of life... this is the remembering angel reminding me that I am human.  I have free will and in every moment I have a choice. Life is "what it is".
It is my attachment to a goal or a required expectation that keeps me in fear.
It is my attachment to my history and my wounding.

Again the Question: 
"Where is my faith?" Who am I when I do not know the answers...
who am I when I am living in the "I do not know"?

I remember a retreat that I took almost forty years ago with Stewart Emory.  He was one of Werner Erhard's first teachers (EST for those of you who might remember).  What I received from this training were these statements directly from Stewart:
a. "Barbara, I would like to do a lobotomy on you."  (I was humiliated. I had always functioned from my reason and my need to know)
b. "Understanding is the booby prize of life... it changes nothing.  Only your taking action will change things." (It took me all these years to accept this).
c. "Instant gratification supports your fundamental belief in your own unworthiness."  (That was so big... and totally addresses addiction)
d. "When the events of your life do not dictate the quality of your life, awakening has begun."
It has taken me all this time to ingest, digest and to sense in every cell in my body this knowing.

It takes as long as it takes... it is not a race. Can I be present with who I am moment to moment...
breath by breath... step by step?

I want to commemorate another teacher: Wayne Dyer (he recently transitioned) who had not yet published his first book when I was fortunate to be his student.  He kept repeating:
a. "You have a right to argue for your misery as long as you want... it will change nothing."
b. He also said, as I was arguing for my right to my anger: "You have the right to diarrhea why do you want it?" (That is outrageously funny and very powerful.)

Many years later I am sitting here with these teachings.  I realize that all the concepts are true... there is no new information and it will take the student as long she needs to say YES!!  And then to take the action that creates change.

Emmanuel said to me:
"There is an intuitive knowing that intellect has a great deal of trouble with."
There is no way you can heal the past unless you are willing to know what you know in this moment of now.  In this moment, I realize what these teachers have been telling me: the mind must be in service of the heart.
It is my heart's knowing, it is my intuition that supports my remembering and my faith.

Wayne once shared in a group that his mother went to school because his Principal called him a "Scurvy Elephant".  In their meeting, the principal said that he had called Wayne a "Disturbing Element."

I am here to be a Disturbing Element, to give up my allegiance to fear and to no longer be and do what others require of me.
I am here to remind myself and you to have the courage to love, to follow and to respect your intuitive knowing and your heart's wisdom.

I am here to remind you. Please enter into your loving heart and remember the light of your own self-loving.  Love your neighbor as yourself and we will begin the healing of the world.


I am here to remind you...
With Blessings and Gratitude,