February 1, 2017
I take a big breath as I start this love letter. I want to share so much with you and I want my thoughts to stop bumping into each other
so that I may be clear.
I want to be focused. I know something radical, perhaps life changing, has been happening to me.
These past few months have been difficult for me on every level. Physically I have been going through some very big changes in my body and emotionally I have" lost" my husband, my dearest friend and teacher.
I never knew what that expression really meant: "I lost"..and now I am experiencing this loss -- this separation.
I have touched physical love, and now it is gone, but we are not our bodies. Rationally I know Adriano is free and at home, and that I have not lost any one or any thing.
Love is eternal. Love is beyond the illusion of separation. Our bodies separate us, not our hearts.
I am sitting in this energy, and I hear "Death Do Us Part." What do these words mean?
This is said in most marriage ceremonies. Why I have never questioned this? Is it true?
Fear teaches this. This is what we have been taught in the confines of our physical experience... and this inevitable loss is what we defend against.
This belief that "death do us part" is part of the illusion of separateness.
What we are taught is that death is the end of love.
I have never even thought of this before... and now I question it. Is death the end of love?
For me, Adriano's death has been the deepening of love. I am exploring a new vocabulary of love, and of the meaning of Oneness.
I am grateful for this time. I am coming into the experience that once there is love... there is always love.
I pray that as you read this you will be with me in the experience that
"LOVE IS ALL THERE IS."
Please breathe into this mantra: "LOVE IS ALL THERE IS." Let each cell in your body vibrate with this knowing.Are you willing to become an instrument for this love?
Many years ago I participated in a workshop with David Whyte. I wrote this poem. I realize now that even at that time I experienced my fear of completely surrendering to love.
"At Any Moment I May Die" © Barbara Azzara
At any moment I may die,and so might you.
And if in any moment I might die
What would this mean to me?
And what would it mean to you?
My heart wonders:
Have I loved you unconditionally?
Have I opened myself completely?
Have I abandoned myself to my passion?
Have I said YES! to love and No! to fear?
My mind/fear wonders am I safe...can I have it all?
Am I safe to love with every ounce of me?
Or should I stand behind the line defending against
what it would mean to surrender all of me to you.
What if in my refusal to love I have refused to live, open and vulnerable
even knowing that in any moment I might die,
and so might you."
This Christmas, Val (Pat Rodegast's daughter) gave me a book of poetry that Pat had written. These are the words I want to live.
"To Claudia and Everyone I Loved in My Life" © Pat Rodegast
When I met you at your birthingHad I known how you would die,
Could I ever have allowed you
to sigh or rage or cry?
If I knew the pain of losing you
When first I held you tight,
Could I ever have permitted you
to leave my tending sight?
Had I read the future closings
Of the loves I've known and shared,
Would there ever be a moment
When I didn't show I cared?
Yet knowing how the parting
Can destroy my grieving heart,
Would I'd ever been so daring
As to let the loving start?
So not knowing is the blessing
Yet not knowing is the pain,
I would love you much more kindly
Could I do it all again.
And now I want to hold this
As a point of future vow
To love with all the love I have
For those here with me now.
And when the end finally comes,
Just mine or some or all
I'll know I've loved the best I could
Until the final call."
This is the month that we celebrate love and Valentine's Day and
this is what I have come to share with you:
my opened heart, a heart that loves beyond the
fear of loss, and knows that "Death cannot do us part."
With all the love in the universe,
Please listen to the song "Without Love, There Is Nothing."